I'm 21

I'm 21.

Too old to be called a child, yet too young to know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I go to school, I study, I search for jobs and internships that will help me grow or at least build some independence. But none of them seem to stick. Nothing aligns, or maybe it doesn't need to align—does it? I suppose not, because there are millions of people around the world working jobs they don't love, doing things they'd rather not. But it helps them survive, so they do it without question.

For me, though, none of those internships or jobs brought in the one thing I needed: independence. Financial freedom. So, it was easier for me to let them go.

What should I pursue now? I want to say I don't know, but the truth is, I do. I’m just afraid to say it out loud, because it sounds absurd in the context of where I live. There’s no clear path for it here, no framework. But maybe that’s okay. Those who came before me figured out their purpose with far less guidance.

But I’m tired. Young? Yes, I know. That doesn’t change or invalidate the exhaustion I am experiencing. I pray for direction and strength. For the alignment of my life’s purpose to be according to those of the one I call God. And yet, I keep feeling lost. I read somewhere, or maybe I heard it, that feelings aren’t real. They’re just reactions to situations, to people, to circumstances. And once the reaction is over, what really matters is what we do next. Do we wallow in self-pity? Or do we keep going, no matter how unclear the path?

Honestly, I can't do either. It feels like I’m in limbo. And the longer I think about it, the more I realize that I’m the only one who has access to my deepest thoughts. I know what I want out of life, but I don’t know what life wants from me. And I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to deserve the things I desire—let alone sustain or grow them.

I wonder, will the very thing I want end up destroying me? Because I lack the discipline? Or will I simply be found wanting? I don’t know.

But in writing this, I’m choosing to give in to the feeling of being lost. Yes, feelings aren't real, but what the hell? Maybe I need to embrace this chaos. Maybe my place is in the chaos, at least for now.

It’s not the world outside me that feels chaotic; it's what's inside me. I'm being pulled in a hundred directions, and I don’t know which path to take first. It’s confusing, sure, but I find comfort in knowing that the adults I’ve looked up to went through this too. And they seem to have done okay.

But here’s the thing: I don’t want to just be okay. I want to be great. I’m not talking about luxury or fame—I want to be someone of substance, someone who has truly accomplished something meaningful. That’s the chip on my shoulder, something I’ve carried with me since I was a child. It’s a desire to be greater than I could have ever imagined.

Then again, maybe that’s my ego talking. And since I’m in this season of self-awareness, I know I need to keep that in check.

So, what have I learned so far?

I’m 21, and I’ve realized a few things. I’m learning to parent myself. I want more than just to be okay; I want to be great. And while I don’t want to be lost, maybe, for now, I don’t need to be found.

I’m 21.